Prepare for the Fantasy Playoffs
If you’re reading this, you’ve been invited to one of the most elite inner circles human civilization has ever seen: the fantasy playoffs of your crappy home league; or maybe it’s a competitive league. However, they are nothing compared to my leagues.
I’ve got a first-round bye in every single league I’m in this season (if we’re only counting leagues where I have byes), so get on my level.
You could say I’m hashtag “built different” as the kids say. If you’re reading my work for the first time, now you see that I’m super hip and cool. I’m like the Mark Davis of fantasy football - the smooth, handsome guy telling killer jokes. It’s why dudes - and one time a chick - love flooding my DM’s pretending they have a question about fantasy.
I just did what we call “setting the tone” in the biz.
But anyway, back to your trip to the playoffs. Whether you’re a seasoned veteran or new to the fantasy football world (yikes… buckle up newcomer), this is where boys become men. Or girls become women. Or boys become women. Or girls become men. Whatever the case, this is where you earn your chest hair. Or if you’re lucky like me, you start balding because you’ve fought battles and seen some sh*t.
It’s no coincidence that I’ve gained 15 lbs and lost my hairline since winning back-to-back home league championships. If you think those aren’t related, go read a book on correlation buddy.
Getting to the Point
So there are a few things you need to know if you want to win a Championship Trophy in 2021. Luckily, you’re in the right place. I usually sell this article for one bitcoin or three crypto NFT gif tokens per viewer. But this year, you’ve struck gold - this is free. On the house, pal.
I’ve spent hundreds of hours researching data and watching film this season just for this very moment. I mean…none of the data is in this article but that doesn’t mean I didn’t do it. Here are the ten most crucial tips you’ll come across entering the fantasy football playoffs.
The Fantasy Playoffs is a Cruel Mistress
You're probably going to lose. I hate to say it, but fantasy is a lot of luck. Getting to the playoffs is a better indication of how good of a fantasy player you are than winning a championship. Whether you have four or six teams entering the playoffs, you still only have like a 40-percent shot to win even if your team is elite. You still gotta talk smack and compulsively check your phone non-stop, but you’ll enjoy the ride more if you accept the amount of luck involved.
The Best Teams Always Lose
Almost every fantasy football veteran I’ve talked to has had at least one year that their team was unstoppable and they crash and burn in the playoffs. It’s like the 2007 Patriots that went undefeated all season and then lost in the Super Bowl. The fantasy gods tend to prefer newcomers that don’t change their lineup or check waivers all season. It’s just a fact.
Nachos Fill the Void During the Fantasy Playoffs
You know what time it is #THENachos pic.twitter.com/PTodmm2Ikz— Luke Sawhook 🪚🪝 (@lukesawhook) April 12, 2021
I just love nachos and it’s nacho season. Ask Luke Sawhook… who makes perfectly mediocre nachos for a college kid (got your back brotha).
My favorite nachos: take a cookie sheet, put tin foil over it. Lay down the chips (scoops if you’re nasty). Cheese. Pickled Jalapenos. Onions. Peppers. Queso. More cheese. Get in every nook and cranny (wtf is a cranny?). Throw in the oven. Pull out when done (bonk). Throw some salsa and sour cream on the side. Enjoy!
Take Care of Your Team Before the Games Start
Put your phone down during the actual NFL games. It’s just good advice. Focus on the games and enjoy the ride. It makes the overall experience better.
Talk your smack. Make a video. Write an email. Make a phone call.
Gimme the Trash Talk Crown 👑— cooterdoodle (@cooterdoodle) November 2, 2020
Coming for ya, @Lindellions pic.twitter.com/phR7dgKBDI
One of the best things about playoffs is trying to win the mental game. Few talk smack better than my cohost of the Tackle Dummies Pod, C Kaz. Which is too bad, because I’m going to smack him so hard in the semis that he’ll make Bruce Arians look fair-skinned.
Don’t Talk About Your Fantasy Team During the Playoffs
No one cares. Not your friends; not your coworkers.
The truth hurts, but it’s gotta be said. Talk all about your fantasy team to your league mates, but no one else wants to hear it… except my grandma. She just flexes on other grannies when she talks about my sick fantasy team. “My grandson’s team is sick AF. He used a hero-RB strategy and quickly pivoted to heavy-RB through trades while investing in statistical anomaly wide receivers who were due for increased touchdown rates plus he stacks.”
All of her friends are jealous.
Eat as You did in College
You actually increase your chances of winning the championship if you eat like crap for the next four weeks. In fact, minimize the amount of water consumption as much as possible too. No water until January is best.
Not a Sponsor but…
Hit that Cumberland Farms for a great value iced coffee that leaves you wanting more. Reasonable prices and exceptional products are what you’ll find at your local Cumberland Farms. #NotASponsor but I legitimately have a deal with Ravens fullback Pat Ricard (my internet boss) if I get him a sponsorship, it’s a two-for-one deal and I get included—not to brag. Grab that Cumby’s iced coffee to stay alert and on top of your fantasy game.
The Forbidden Fruit During the Fantasy Playoffs
Whatever you do - do NOT get to know anyone in the biblical sense. If you’re partaking in any funny business in December (or really at any point in the NFL season), you’re a damn loser. Life is about winning fantasy championships. Might as well sign yourself up for Matthew Berry’s Loser Trophy as soon as you pay the league fee.
Good luck trying to make your family proud if you’d rather meet a life partner than set your lineup at 3 am while powering through a sleeve of Oreos.
You are All-Knowing
Get as mad as possible when you see someone with a fantasy prediction on Twitter that differs from yours. Make sure you remove all filters, ignore basic human decency, and fire away.
This is about you.
If someone tweets something you disagree with, it’s probably a personal attack on you. It is your duty to defend your honor. In fact, most fantasy analysts get a crystal ball when they earn their stripes. If they end up wrong in any way about a prediction, they are intentionally misleading you and it is entirely malicious. Make sure to let them know.
How dare they let you follow their advice.
If you can manage to follow the above steps, I will personally guarantee that you will win your fantasy championship. And in the rare case you don’t win? I will personally give you one free fake NFT at the end of the season. Good luck, buckle up, and peace be with you. And also with you.
Be shown the light by following Jeff on Twitter!
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