I hope you’ve got your headphones ready for this one. We’re taking a little trip down
memory Penny Lane. Whether you identify with Ringo, Paul, George, John… or Yoko, this article is meant for you.
We’ve survived 12 weeks of the NFL season. For some, these weeks have flown by like a quick summer fling. The draft feels like it was just Yesterday. For others, these weeks have moved like thick, cooling molasses. It feels like there are Eight Days a Week. But you know what they say: If you can’t beat them,
join Beatle them. So in this week’s Fantasy Mixtape, I will only use songs from The Beatles. So here, I made this for you:
The Beatles Fantasy Mixtape: TRACK 1
This first song is a tribute to the league mate who negotiates and sends trade offers to everyone all season long. “Oh, darling please believe me,” is what they shout before every trade offer they send. Most of their negotiations involve them hyping up the player that they intend to trade away. For someone who loves their own player, they seem very motivated to find a way to find this player a new home. “Believe me when I tell you I’ll never do you no harm.” Well, darling… I’m not falling for it, and neither is anyone else.
We see that you are trying to move Allen Robinson and we see you offered him to everyone else in the league. We are secretly screenshotting your trade offers and sending them to a group chat. However, unlike The Beatles’ albums, no one’s buying it—literally.
The Beatles Fantasy Mixtape: TRACK 2
“Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song,” about the league mate who values his friends more than his team. It isn’t that he is not trying to win. He’s trying. But at the end of the day, what he really lives for is the camaraderie that comes with fantasy football. He’ll be at every live draft. He’s hosting game day at his house with a ton of snacks. This guy loves his league and loves having fun, even if his team will likely get a Participation Ribbon.
If you ask him, “are you sad,” his answer will always be the same. “No, I get by with a little help from my friends.”
The Beatles Fantasy Mixtape: TRACK 3
This next song goes out to the league mate that rarely engages in any interactions throughout the season but will briefly pop in the chat to tell you when they’ve done something good. You know the guy: He’s made no waiver moves. He never talks in the group chat.
He’s silent for eleven weeks until Aaron Jones gets hurt, then he starts bragging about drafting A.J. Dillon in the 7th round. “Coming on strong all the time,” this guy just can’t fight the temptation to yell about, “I me mine, I me mine, I me mine.” It’s cool, bro. Keep hyping yourself up if that’s what you need to stay involved. Just remember to keep those same vibes when you miss the playoffs and don’t blame the players. Remember your motto and whose fault it is when you finish the year with a Toilet Bowl around your neck: “I me mine, I me mine, I me mine.”
The Beatles Fantasy Mixtape: TRACK 4
Let’s talk about the league mate that never loses hope. They are one of my favorite kinds of league mates. Instead of giving up or pouting, they are always looking ahead to the future. “Sunday’s on the phone to Monday,” as they start calculating what they need for a last-minute win. They may have no shot at the playoffs, but they are still wheelin and dealin while trying to get their weekly W. But ultimately, “Tuesday’s on the phone to me” because I’m sending trade offers to this team after waivers roll through. They haven’t given up yet, so let’s see if we can make something happen.
The Beatles Fantasy Mixtape: TRACK 5
This next song goes out to the league mate that holds on to a player for too long. Their player isn't producing, but they can’t let go because they genuinely believe in them. It’s honorable, and I respect it. We have all been there before.
I traded for Juwan Johnson. I drafted Jameis Winston. I… am a Saints fan. So, along with the other fantasy gamers like me, I’ll keep belting it out: “DON’T LET ME DOWN” And even when they do, I just move on to the next week and start singing it again. Although it might result in the Matthew Berry Toilet Trophy, I have faith they won’t let me down; please don’t let me down.
All the lonely people, where do they all come from? Well, not on Twitter if you're following Cooterdoodle. Her constant interaction and tomfoolery will keep you engaged for decades to come.