“In wrestling, a heel is a villain character. Heels portray competitors as behaving in an immoral manner, breaking rules, or otherwise taking advantage of their opponents outside of the bounds of the rules of the match.”- Pro Wrestling Wiki
In our last installment, The Friend Zone spent a lot of time as the good league mate—the trusted advisor, if you will. Now we have our enemies providing us with all the information we need for our next move.
I mean, why become friends with anyone other than to exploit people for our own purposes along our quest for fantasy football dominance? You don't just win the Title Belt by being friends with someone. It is time for a heel turn!
Referring to a bad person as a heel became famous in the world of professional wrestling, where the storyline of good versus evils is prevalent throughout the entire sport. While wrestling is most typically associated with the term, its true origin lies in ancient Greece. Gypsies would grab unsuspecting children by the heel and drag them off to work in the traveling circus. Spectators would throw coins at the children while they danced for small rations of food each day.
Please tell me you didn't actually buy that. I have no clue where the term came from, but as always, I am Team No Research, so that is the best you will get.
Initiating the Heel
Anyway, back to fantasy football and our quest for the Championship Trophy.
The time to make your move is now. Armed with the information learned from our neighborly visits, raid your opponent's roster with trades only the dolts in your league would ever accept. The deals that have you rushing to Twitter to create a poll to see who "won" the trade while you laugh and take screenshots of the 96-percent voting for your side.
Remember when Dave took the second-round pick from poor Jerry in the lopsided trade last week? Well, it's time to do your best impression of Robin Hood: Steal from the newly rich and give to yourself. Dave told you how, even though he loved the trade, he knows that his entire season is resting on the brittle legs of Dalvin Cook. But Dave is in luck because his newfound friend just so happens to have Alexander Mattison and wants to make sure his buddy sleeps well at night. So let's go ahead and get into the negotiation.
Dave comes out offering the second he stole and includes a screenshot of a trade calculator to show, friends make fair deals. And sure, the value is there. But we aren't looking to break even; we are looking to snatch souls. So rather than counter, you give your good buddy a call. And suddenly you turn into Sonny Weaver:
You want all the picks and David Putney from that pancake-eating mother…
Coming Off the Top Rope
Time to remind him you're not the one who pulled a hammy from wearing the Toilet Seat. Let him know you sleep fine with Mattison on your bench because you are already stacked at the position. There is apprehensiveness in helping a competitor both rest easy and protect against the inevitable. Let him know you would rather trade Mattison to poor Jerry for nothing after the atrocities committed last week.
You are the Angel of Freaking Justice; it is time to make things right! Dave didn't even see the Shawn Michael kick coming straight to the face as you complete the heel turn. However, he pays up because he has limited options and knows you're right.
After completing the deal, Dave realized his friend wasn't actually - if ever - on his side anymore. The package is exchanged, and the time has come for Jerry's day of reckoning. A few days from now, Dave will be receiving some Loser's Tattoos in the mail.
Not All Heel Heat is Negative
You know Jerry would love his second-round pick back. I mean, he is in last place and all with no real hope for the future. Let's give him a quick call and see what meat is left on the bone of his pathetic list of scrubs he calls a roster. This call is different, though; Jerry isn't getting kicked in the face. Jerry is someone we bleed long-term starting today. The second-round pick in 2022 is a fine swap for a 2023 second (in a much deeper class, not something Jerry is likely aware of) and say, "I don't know, maybe that sad, injured Michael Gallup on IR."
After all, you are letting him cash in on that pick an entire year in advance. So it would help if you got something for your troubles, and Gallup only has seven points all year. A pittance really to pay for such a lovely gesture. So Jerry leaves happy with his second back in his pocket while you slyly smile at your remaining league mates who just watched the carnage as the trade notifications fly. You think to yourself, "You're all next, and you don't even know it yet!"
Note: I do not believe you should exploit friendships. This is satire. I cherish each one of your friendships and want nothing more than for you to be happy. And as such, check your email. I think there might be a trade offer in there for you!
Catch you next time in The SmackZone!
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